The Best of March - Horror Stories From Advertising

I know you all have become such big fans of the monthly update... this edition is sure to capture you with disbelief and awe!!!

The Oggler - This man doesn't seem to have a specific purpose for the company, but he's been employed there for so long that everyone simply tolerates his presence. Most often he can be found in any one of the lounge chairs throughout the building either talking aimlessly on the phone or reading the newspaper. On most days he's relatively friendly, humming or whistling as he walks around saying hello to everyone. There are other days where he seems to be in another world, staring off into space without even noticing human life in his vicinity... and these are the days to stay away. On his off-days he tends to let his inner-monologue speak for him, and the things that come out are border-line sexual harassment material. Some of my favorites I have heard him say include, "God, you look good enough to eat." "Some women have the most perfect breasts for sweaters." "Have you ever just wanted to lick someone for a little taste?" All of these comments have been directed at women, and rather than talking to them, he was talking to their tits. I am a woman who tends to miss the perverted comments in the building because I either:
A) Am outspoken and would slap someone if they said any of the above comments to me.
B) Dress too frumpy for anyone to take notice and discuss my finer features.
C) Have the right combination of A & B - mixed with people's general fear of me.
At least that was the case until this month. I made the mistake of walking into The Oggler's line-of-sight two weeks ago on one of his gazing days, while I was dressed up because we had clients in the building. He was on the phone mid-sentence when I walked through, and he stopped... STARED at my boobs and said "Wow. I really love that color on you." I looked at him and said, "Are you going to get off the phone soon beacuse The Boss has been looking for you upstairs." What I really wanted to do was kick him in the nuts.

The Fish - Yes, she has struck again! It seems to get juicier every time too... After last month's episode of her billing an excessive amount of drinks to the company she has decided the company should pay for her *ahem* personal affairs too. She came back from another drunken business trip, and stumbled into my office saying, "God, I feel like shit. I am so fucking hung-over... can you see the roadmaps on my eyes???" I replied, "No, I think you look totally refreshed all things considered." "Well, I've got a quick shipment to take care of before I head home." She sat down and began writing a note out on a shipping envelope, then slipped something inside secretly, and sealed the whole thing inside a FedEx envelope (which is out of the ordinary for her to even get her hands into that stuff). I didn't think much of it until late in the day when I was looking at the billing and noticed she was sending it to the Bellagio in Las Vegas by First Overnight FedEx (Priority Overnight costs about $13.00 and gets where it needs to by 10:30 AM, while First Overnight runs over $55.00 and gets where it need to be by 8:00 AM). The whole thing was being billed to the company account. I approached her manager and asked if the billing was right or if it should be billed to the client it was addressed to. The Boss was sitting there and said, "Well, lets see if it's paperwork we forgot to give to the client for a meeting." The FedEx envelope was opened, and the note inside was a love letter to the client, and sealed inside was some sort of card (credit card, room key, love coupon - - anyone's best guess really). I guess climbing the corporate ladder can still be done the old-fashioned way for women... she'll be sad when she realizes she has really just been selling herself for nothing more than free event tickets and dinner.

Caged Children - New Parenting Technique

So I've tried to give my Fat Bitch neighbor the benefit of the doubt. I mean, after saving her kid from being smashed by a cement truck and told by her later I should learn to mind my own business and look the other way, I'VE REALLY TRIED.

But she makes me sick with her newest method of parenting. About two weeks after they moved back from California, her husband installed a chain-link fence in the backyard. It sits in the South-East corner of their back yard. Now when I saw him hauling sand to the newly seperated section of the yard I figuered he was making an area for their two awful dogs to poop (anything is better than my front yard, really).

My husband and I were doing some yard work last weekend, and we noticed her two kids were locked in the caged area... they seemed happy enough playing in the "sand box" with lots of toys and a sliver of shade from the cedar fence. The dogs? They were roaming freely in the grassy area of the back yard. We were outside for nearly two hours, and she never once opened her back door to check on the kids. I'm not saying she wasn't watching from the back window, but I highly doubt it - considering her history.

So I'm at am at a loss. I'd enjoy calling the authorities on her... but I believe she poisioned our dog Miago in 2005 after the incident in which I saved her stupid kid from becoming a pancake (Miago died from ingesting rat poison, which we don't have any). So I think a person who would do that to someone's innocent pet could do any number of things to another person. We are considering selling our house a moving a few miles East just to get the hell away from psycho woman.