The Best of April - Horror Stories From Advertising

Amazingly, the stories never seem to end! I feel like I'm back in High School, only the other students are between the ages of 23 & 35.

Thongie - This gal is someone I wouldn't socialize with, ever. She is emotionally unstable, insecure, clingy, and racist. Now a little background, I try to be politically correct enough when it comes to social events so no one can say "That bitch didn't invite me" but I also try to clue people in that I don't like them so they aren't tempted to show their faces in my home. That said, I invited Thongie to a party last autumn, along with inviting everyone else in the company. She arrived with a small group of work friends and a couple of random people I didn't know, but it was a party, so that's fine & dandy. Now I knew at the time she had a serious boyfriend - - they had been dating 4 years. From overhearing her phone conversations (since she has no volume control) I know her boyfriend has a kid, he is lousy in bed, insensitive, and he has some serious hygene problems. Enough said, I know too much. Now for all the bad things, I can she is a very pretty gal... who knows that's about all she has going for her. Wardrobe malfunctions happen to all women, and bra straps slip, nylons get snagged, and hair goes flat. How many times can a wardrobe malfunction be an excuse for being late to work??? Really??? For Thongie, it's every day of the week. That is her excuse for showing up after 9:15 (when work starts at 8:30) every damn day - - and her period is her excuse for going home early two solid weeks out of every month. I've pretty much had it up to my eyeballs with her antics, but that is her manager's problem, not mine. Why do I call her Thongie? Because no matter what she wears to work, her thong sits above the waistline of her pants/skirt. If she sneezes, if she stretches, if she leans over my office partner's desk to steal a pen, everyone sees the underwear. She has been talked to about them before, but still they get flashed daily. Last week she pulled me to the side and asked me if I could see her underwear through her pants. What I wanted to say was, "I CAN SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR OVER YOUR PANTS EVERY DAY!!!" Even I will wear the occassional thong to hide tell-tale panty lines, but I don't do the Christina Aguilera thing and let them hang out. It's tacky. It's trashy. And if I see Thongie's thong hanging out one more time I am going to rip her underwear so far up her ass that I'll make her eyes bleed.

Ahem. The Gold Digger is a person who I have contemplated leaving off my site, but one too many things have happend in the last month to let her slip by. This woman has been married multiple times, and I think she considers each new husband an upgrade. Like many older women in advertising, she is trying to fight off the signs of aging to keep up with the competition (i.e. hot, youthful, clever gals like me), so she had a face-lift a couple years ago. Unfortunately, the years of neglecting her neck leave her with "turkey folds" under a sort-of youthful and "surprised" looking face. Recently one of her old business associates (some dude in his mid-40s) stopped in to pitch to a department manager, and bumped into her in the hallway by the copy machine I use. Of course, I had a huge pile of paperwork to finish copying before the end of the day so I was working there at the machines when the "chance" encounter happened. The conversation is as follows:
Gold Digger, "Oh my! How good to see you again, hahaha!"
Dude, "Oh, hey, um... How's it going?"
GD, "You know, fantastic as always! I've been doing so much travel with my husband!"
Dude, "Bob?"
GD, "God no! We've been divorced for 3 years! Have you ever decided to get married?"
Dude, "Me? I'm having too much fun making money and dating younger women!"
GD, "Silly boy! You'll never change!!! Are you still living in California?"
Dude, "I still have a house there, but I spend most of my time at my place in Boston."
GD, "Oh, well, my husband and I have been talking about buying a place in Seattle... a horse ranch, actually. Quite expensive compared to the place we keep our horses now, but of course we can afford it."
Dude, "Ya, I got rid of my place in Washington, the weather is just so unappealing after the first year or two."
At this point she glares at me as if she just realized I was in the room and says, "Well, I can see YOU'RE not going anywhere. Come with me, we can go talk in the conference room." Get over yourself, honey. The only person who needs to be happy with you IS YOU. Why go so overboard to impress someone who you haven't seen since your last marriage!?!?

Thanks for tuning in!!! Until next time, take care all!