Thursday

My First Lap Dance

Getting all my juicy stories typed out is more difficult than I had expected, more particularly getting the good details transcribed. Today I am going to use key words I think freaky people would search for to maybe bring more traffic to my site, and hopefully make you laugh, and follow up with a new horror story!!!

Key Words:

Hot Asian Chicks Black Butts Booty Man Sheep Action Midget Porn Boobs Republican Tits Naked Penis Democratic Pornography Marriage Married Swinger Single Barely Legal Lonely Scientology Rampage Pre-Mature Birth Divorce Murder Anger Management Road Rage Poop Poo Fecal Matter Flatulence Great Good Beer Booze & Bootlegging Stripper Wife Beatings Abused Husband Neglected Children Animal Freaks Conjoined Twins Serial Killer Favorite Wedgie Science

YAY! Story time!!! So I’ve seen quite a bit of the world, done quite a few fun / interesting things in my lifetime, and I’m quite proud my experiences. If I ever ran for political office, there would be a lot of explaining to do, but I don't really think that will ever happen. One experience last summer involved drunken women, a pool hall, and a strip club. Let me explain…

My sister-in-law is a fantastic woman who I admire dearly. She has been there, done that, and lived to tell the story. I do believe she is a young soul, finding it necessary to cram as many experiences into this lifetime as possible. She and my brother came to visit us in our new home this summer, and my sister-in-law contacted the wife of one my brother’s former co-workers who happens to live in the same city as my husband and I do now. I have met my brother’s old co-worker, and I have to say he’s not a very impressive person… he feeds off of other people like a leech sucking their life-force from every insecurity and speaking poorly of their intelligence until they are wussy masses of flesh around him. This man’s wife is one of those people who has been drained by her husband to pitiful subservience for the remainder of her life. They really are the perfect couple. Both have cheated on each other several times, their children are demons who disobey their parents in every way, and it’s just one big happy family!

My sister-in-law and the evil ex-co-workers wife are good friends, and decide they want a night out. My brother had concerns that they would have a little too much fun, so he asked that I be the designated driver and keep his wife out of trouble. I swore I’d take care of them both, and us ladies headed out on the town. Out first stop was to be for dinner & drinks, so I took them to a fantastic Mexican restaurant that serves ½ gallon marguerites. I decided this would be the best place because if they got liquored up early on they’d be happy sitting and talking and being drunk. Of course, this wouldn’t be much of a story if that was what had happened.

Neither of them ate, they both sucked down their ½ gallon drinks, then begged me to take them somewhere fun…. The friend said she was feeling neglected in her marriage and needed to feel attractive. The best place I could think of was to head toward the active nightlife of downtown. We went to a pool hall for a few games, and both ladies continued drinking – while slapping and grabbing each other’s asses. We all got hit on, the friend started hanging off some guy who later invited her to head to his place… and I decided it was time to go.

Ready to take them back to their husbands, the friend began crying, saying she wasn’t ready and just needed one more stop to feel sexy… and her choice place was to go to a strip club. Both women decided that as the designated driver I had to take them yonder to a seedy location the friend researched weeks ahead of time. I knew where she wanted to go, but I played dumb and tried to get us “lost”. My sister-in-law began grabbing at the wheel every time she saw a gas station begging me to pull in so they could get directions. Fearing for our safety, I eventually complied.

The drunken ladies sauntered in and spoke to the attendant - - who proceeded to give them directions a monkey could follow to find this place. They both shouted and yelled as I was driving, telling me EXACTLY where to turn to get to our destination. We pulled up to a large box-like building in true stripper form with neon lights all around the outside in pinks and purples proclaiming the name of the establishment.

Keep in mind, I’ve been to my share of stripper shows - - men and women - - and up to this point had never seen anything that really impressed me. Most of the stunts I’ve seen could easily be performed by anyone I know with the assistance of a stripper pole and 6” platform shoes. That is, up until this evening. As we walked, some guy on the main observation floor began cheering and clapping thinking we were the next act. We told him we were just here for a show, then took a seat and watched a couple of the dancers. Nothing extraordinary at all.

Then, a young gal came out on stage in pure white full belly-dancer garb and began her routine. My sister-in-law and I were both interested (we are both former belly-dancers), and we talked about her good form and recognizable moves. After a couple minutes, the dancer shimmied over to the stripper pole (which goes up about 25 feet to the ceiling) and she began to climb. Upon reaching the ceiling she began stripping, dropping her garments to the floor below – off with the sandals, off with the flowing skirt, off with the veil, and off with the top – all while gripping the pole with her legs. Then it was just her in white hot-shorts, gold coin belt, and a long blonde pony-tail. Next she hung upside-down and repositioned her legs - - so that when she let go again with her arms her upper body was facing the floor (rather than the pole or ceiling).

What happened next was the most impressive move I have ever witnessed… she scissor-kicked her legs and dropped the length of the pole from the ceiling… and caught herself WITH ONLY HER LEGS within a foot of hitting the floor.

A couple of shimmies and shakes and the performance was over. She immediately came over to us and said she was so happy to see women because it had been a night of nothing but creepy men. She noticed we all were married and asked us questions about why we were out, and just carried on a normal conversation while re-assembling her outfit. I told her the scissor move was the best move I had ever seen a stripper perform and gave her a tip… to which she said, “Oh no, honey. I work for my money.” She took the bill from my hand and proceeded to give me a lap dance.

Oh the awkward moments.

She gave me a hug and thanked us for coming in. The ladies had enough fun for the night and were happy to be returned to their husbands. My brother thanked me for returning his wife alive, and my husband practically drooled over the details of my night, but was VERY glad I was the sober one.

5 Comments:

Anonymous rosie said...

ha ha ha ha ha. so funny. I wish I could have seen it!

1:44 PM  
Anonymous Jazmynn said...

Just to see the look on your face while that was going on....i would have paid to be a fly on the wall!! LOL!!!

8:28 PM  
Blogger Debra said...

Wow. That sounds crazy.. but soem of those women have mad skills! *shakes head* I definately would have loved to be there and seen that!

As for lap dances... Saturday before last I was getting lap dances for a good hour or more nonstop by a girl who was doing her damnedest to seduce me to take me home with her... lol. Good stuff. hehe

4:57 AM  
Blogger Conqueress said...

Rosie - Next time you're in town we'll go. A few of the gals at work are curious but want to head over with a seasoned veteran, so it will be a safe group setting.

Jazzy - It was a howling time, and one of those events I will share with my grandkids to frighten them.

Debra - This gal kept talking about how she was stripping to buy her little sister school supplies... sad that school is costing so much hard working women now have to strip for crayons!

8:06 AM  
Blogger Debra said...

OMG... are you serious? Maybe her kid sister is in college? I hope so anyway! That's when art supplies hget expensive!

12:21 AM  

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