Tuesday

Bigger Penis + New Hair = Hot Latinas

Apparently, I have begun to suffer from the same ailments as thousands of men worldwide. My dick has become too small and flacid to satisfy the thousands of lonely Latinas in the great USA. All I need to do is send a check for $49.95 to a certain P.O. Box in Venezuela and I will be shipped a lifetime supply of an amazing new miracle drug! Check is in the mail, baby... Upon taking my new miracle drug I will have the ability to hammer away for hours. Now on to the problem with my thinning hair. I know, I know, it makes me look older, and undesirable to all women, everywhere. All I need to do is share the usual personal information - - full name, physical address, social security number, access to my first born child for an international prostitution ring, and I can have my free sample sent to me overnight!!! Upon aquiring my bigger dick and new head of hair I will have full access to thousands of lonely Latinas willing to give it all for a hot piece of my man love.

All the above stuff is going to be out there as long as man roams the planet, whether it be found in ancient dig sites, 1920's magazines, or spamming the internet today. Contraceptives, dildos, enhancing drugs, and hookers have been part of society since the beginning of human-kind (unless you're super religious, then none of what I've said actually exists).

For me, society hit a brand new low when a friend of mine sent me the following information about a third-rate actor known as Vincent Gallo. Apparently he has spent all his money (which in the world of FAMOUS actors is pocket lint) from his series of flop films including "The Brown Bunny" and "Buffalo 66". Sadly, this hollow excuse of a man has found it necessary to sell his childhood Hopalong Cassidy comforter, old movie posters, birthday gifts (including a painting by Charles Manson), crappy 8-track tapes, clothes off his back, the St. Anthony medallion from his 1st Communion, his motorcycle, and most astounding he is selling his third-rate man juice for the bargain basement price of $1 Million (or a magical night of fun for $50K). The following quote is from his website, which you can view by clicking HERE:

"I, Vincent Gallo, star of such classics as Buffalo 66 and The Brown Bunny have decided to make myself available to all women. All women who can afford me, that is. For the modest fee of $50,000 plus expenses, I can fulfill the wish, dream, or fantasy of any natural born female. The fee covers one evening with Vincent Gallo. For those who wish to enjoy my company for a weekend, the fee is increased to a mere $100,000. Heavy set, older, red heads, and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill. No real female will be refused. However, I highly frown upon any male having even the slightest momentary thought or wish that they could ever become my client. No way Jose. However, female couples of the lesbian persuasion can enjoy a Vincent Gallo evening together for $100,000. $200,000 buys the lesbos a weekend. A weekend that will have them second guessing..."

So no discounts for buying a weekend? You would think he could cut a break, maybe to $80,000 for a weekend... give just a little incentive. And lesbos for $100,000 - - what if they're bull-dikes that look like men? He sets some serious boundaries about no men whatsoever.

"Potential clients are advised to screen the controversial scene from The Brown Bunny to be sure they can accommodate all of me. Clients who have doubt may want to test themselves with an unusually thick and large prosthetic prior to meeting me. You may be surprised just how much you can handle and how good it feels."

How full of yourself do you need to be? Now, if he injures a client with his enormous rod, does the client get a partial refund for hospital expenses?

Included in his contract is demands for photos of potential clients (beggars can't be choosers, dude), as well as requiring first-class accomodations for all travel (you'd think he could fly coach with the minimal work he'll have to do for the $50K). This is the saddest little man I have ever seen... so hopeless, awkward, & desperate for love. What's worse is I don't think this guy was taught basic math and budgeting in school, and now he's being forced to sell his childhood treasures to support is crack habit.

2 Comments:

Anonymous rosie said...

What a crazy! I will now give you the only info I knew about him until your post - sadly my information comes from those aweful countdown shows on Vh1 that I watch for some unknown reason.

A war of words erupted between Gallo and popular critic Roger Ebert in 2003 regarding the latter's negative criticism of The Brown Bunny at the Cannes Film Festival. Ebert wrote that The Brown Bunny was the worst film in the history of Cannes, and Gallo retorted by calling Ebert a "fat pig with the physique of a slave trader." Ebert then responded, paraphrasing a statement once made by Winston Churchill that "although I am fat, one day I will be thin, but Mr. Gallo will still have been the director of The Brown Bunny." Gallo then put a hex on Ebert's colon, cursing the critic with cancer. Roger Ebert then replied that he would rather watch the film of his colonoscopy than The Brown Bunny. Later on, Gallo told Ebert that he had been misquoted, and he had actually wished him cancer of the prostate and not the colon.

4:54 AM  
Anonymous Smoove D said...

It never ocurred to me to sell myself. That would beat the hell out of sitting in a cube working for The Man every day.

If anyone is interested, I cost $25,000 plus expenses for one night, $40,000 plus expenses for a weekend.

9:56 AM  

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