Don't Knock On My Door

Alright, story time kids! I have come up with the best way to keep those damn Bible-thumpers off your front steps forever... and it doesn't involve getting naked, worshipping the devil, or weapons of any kind.

Not long ago I was home on my day off. Typically I'll clean the house, do some laundry, run errands, blah, blah, blah. On this particular day I was in the dining room balancing the checkbook when the doorbell rang. I got up, went to the door, and looked through the peep hole. Outside I could see an older gentleman likely in his late 70s, a 20-something guy, and a middle-age woman. All were dressed nicely and the first thing that popped into my head was that I had some Holy-rollers just itching to tell me all about Jesus.

Our front door is rather inviting... a nice deep red color with a dragon-head door knocker. Most people love it. When I opened the door to this friendly looking bunch, I was immediately asked by the youngest man, "What would posess you to have a symbol of the devil on your front door?" I was half tempted to play devil's advocate and say, "Because I worship the devil." Instead I said, "It's a dragon... my entire house is decorated in Renaissance style."

Not satisfied, the middle-aged woman said, "Child. I think you need to learn about our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ. He can lead you down a better path to eternal salvation." Which was followed by the old guy stating, "Truly you seek salvation in the Kingdom of Heaven."

I don't play these games. If I wanted salvation, I would seek it our myself... doesn't God help those who help themselves? Like a well-oiled machine, the three individuals on my front steps continued to talk in a perfectly rehearsed manner, one holding out a phamplet expecting me to simply take it, another opening the Bible to quote scripture, and the other telling me their actual religious affiliation.

Irritated, I interrupted them and said, "How am I supposed to believe you are really from a church? Do you see all of the empty driveways here? Can't you see this is a working-class neighborhood? It's a week-day, everyone is at work!!! How do know that you're not caseing the neighborhood to see who's not home on what days? Get the hell out of my community before I call the cops and tell them about your suspicious activities!!!"

The three of them scrambled to the sidewalk, saying they would pray for me... and they went straight to their car and left. Our neighborhood hasn't seen any more folks from that church since. I am SO burning in hell.