Conquests - Part 9

I have seen a UFO.

When I was in High School , my dad traveled overseas a lot as an independent contractor for Interstate Brands Corp. For anyone outside of the baking industry, IBC is the company that makes Zingers and Sweetheart Bread. Basically, my father was the man with the plan - he could go into a bare building, or look at a blueprint, and calculate (within 1 foot of material) exactly how much material was needed to install a bakery conveyer system. As an independent contractor, he traveled the world building massive conveyer systems.

Since he was away from home often for 2 months, then home for a week, my mother and I made due - - feeding the horses & peacocks, plowing the snow, sawing down trees, and splitting fire wood. It was just the two of us, but our home was our haven... the log house made strange sounds in the wind, the wood stove would sing along, and trees would clatter on the windows, but it was familiar and we liked it that way.

One summer night as I was getting ready for bed I looked out my window and saw a strange glow in the horse pasture. Thinking a neighbor was out with a spotlight trying to poach deer in the middle of the night, I got pissed off and went downstairs, grabbed the shotgun, and got ready to head out and scare the village idiot. My mother called for me to come into her room - - and something in her voice made me nervous. I set the gun down, and walked down the hall.

As soon as I entered her room, I noticed the glow was in fact coming from our horse pasture (only 30 yards off the back of our house) but it wasn't a spotlight at all. We both stood dumbfounded.

There glowing light sphere hanging light a light bulb right over the small field. From the window we were looking out it seemed to be about 50 feet in the air, sitting at the same height as the treetops nearby. Our horses were standing at their feeding bins munching away obliviously, but the field was lit up bright as day - - in the middle of the night! It wasn't frightening, but not comfortable to see either.

After a few minutes, the light faded from the field, and the glowing ball went shooting up into the night sky. I can't explain it, I've never been able to... but there it is. Keep a copy of this story to blackmail me if I ever run for political office :-P


Finding Mr. Wright (Right) Bridal Shower Story - FREE

Honestly, I have gotten sick and tired of these damn websites wanting to charge an arm and a leg for party favors. IT'S CALLED SHARING BITCHES!!! As the designated Game Master of a recent bridal shower, I decided that instead of paying $19.95 for a story, I would write my own. With that in mind - DO NOT USE THIS STORY FOR THE PURPOSE OF MAKING MONEY. IT IS ONLY MEANT FOR SHARING.

The game is very simple... wrap up 1 present for every 5 people attending the bridal shower (15 people = 3 presents if you're not a math wizard). Direct your guests to stand in a circle, and distribute the gifts to random people in the group. Every time your guests hear the word LEFT, they are to pass the gift to the LEFT. Every time your guests hear the word WRIGHT or RIGHT, they are to pass the gift to the right. It makes for a fun game of frantic gift tossing. ENJOY!!!

(Bride’s Name) was a shy girl who had not LEFT her house for months. She was lonely… and she realized she had reached the RIGHT age to find the RIGHT man. (Bride) stood up at that moment and LEFT to check out her old stomping ground. She knew exactly what she wanted in her Mr. RIGHT… Tall, dark, and handsome who wouldn’t be afraid to wear a ring on his LEFT hand. (Bride) was on the prowl, and at her first stop, RIGHT before her eyes she saw a man whose good looks LEFT her feeling weak. She maneuvered through the crowd, weaving LEFT, RIGHT, and LEFT again. As she got closer to him, their eyes met and it seemed like love at first sight for them both.

“FIRE!” someone shouted. RIGHT behind them a blaze had broken out in the club, and people began to scramble to the doors. Mr. RIGHT had been within her reach, but they were swept away from each other in the commotion. He shouted his name to her, but all she caught was his last name “WRIGHT”. Once outside, (Bride) was LEFT feeling hopeless with only a name to find him, “WRIGHT” she said to herself.

The following days were agonizing, knowing her Mr. WRIGHT was out there but with no good way to find him. She had looked in the phonebook, but there were so many WRIGHTS RIGHT there on the page, she didn’t want to call everyone… what would be the RIGHT thing to say? “I thought I met my Mr. RIGHT at the club the other night, but I only got his last name before I was swept RIGHT out the doors because of a fire.” She didn’t want to irritate people for no good reason… she wasn’t even sure if his name really was WRIGHT. It could be Bite, Flight, Knight… she wasn’t positive.

(Bride) decided she would just keep looking for Mr. WRIGHT. The following weekend she LEFT her house to search for him. Grocery stores, hardware stores, the gym, and many local night clubs, but once she LEFT each stop she felt close to tears. There was no sign of Mr. RIGHT anywhere. (Bride) LEFT her last stop of the night, and decided to drive to the club where she had first seen her Mr. RIGHT.

She parked her car and approached the charred remains of the building. It was a stormy evening and no one in their RIGHT mind would be out alone at this hour, but she wanted to visit this spot one last time before giving up hope of meeting Mr. RIGHT again. After a few minutes, (Bride) saw something move to her RIGHT. She knew she should have LEFT sooner. She quickly turned to see what was stirring nearby. Mr. WRIGHT was approaching, looking into her eyes and smiling. “I been waiting RIGHT here every night hoping you might come back… My name is (Groom). (Groom) WRIGHT.”

They fell deeply in love, married, and Mr. & Mrs. WRIGHT lived happily ever after… and never LEFT each other’s side, except to visit the bathroom (that would just be so not RIGHT).



Conquests - Part 8

I have corrupted a perfectly innocent Japanese girl.

My lifetime friend Masami and I met in college. First semester we had Macro-Economics together and after pairing up on a project we were fast friends. Once first semester was over we decided to get an apartment together, and we lived together for over a year. Fun times indeed... parties, studying, cooking, shopping, and just being college girls.

I thought it would be fun to take her to a Chippendale's show in our town to give her a taste of an "American Tradition". Being the great friend I am, I told her I had bought tickets to a dance program. So the evening came, we got dressed up, and went over to a little bar called Mustang Sally's. We had a reserved table near the front, we ordered a drink, and soon enough an announcer came out on stage in a tuxedo to introduce the program.

Our extremely good-looking host stepped aside, the lights went dark, and a jungle beat began pounding on the sound system. A faded red light shined on the stage, and a long-haired man came slinking out onto the stage dresses in a cloak of furs like Conan the Barbarian. The lights began pulsing, the man began removing furs one by one and throwing them to the side of the stage.

"What's that? What he doing? Why he doing that?"

Before you know it Conan was gyrating on stage in nothing but a single fur over his man-meat, and Masami looked like a person driving by a train wreck... she didn't want to look but she couldn't look away. The rest of the program paraded a variety of Chippendale dancers shaking their bon-bons. There was a bare-assed cowboy in chaps, a knight in armor that stripped down to a chainmail thong, visions of drippy romance novels in the flesh wiggling to typical top 20 songs.

The finale was the host of the show ripping off his tuxedo to reveal a blue sequined schlong sock... which contained a 2-foot long hunk of flesh.

It was disturbing.

Masami screamed.

To this day she is a virgin... permanently scarred by the sight of a 2-foot penis.


Good Question!

Here's a recent thought provoking e-mail from Grill...

"So we're watching Ghost Hunters while we're eating dinner because it was filmed this year at the Stanley hotel in Estes Park, right? Well, they have all sorts of bumping and thumping and tables and doors and shit moving around, but they've said like 3 different times now that there's quartz and granite in the rock bed below the hotel, which, these people are saying "has recording properties and hold the energies"... Anything to that, or is that just a bunch o' bunk? Husband votes bunk. I vote Dunno - - let's ask the rock hounds (boarding on also bunk). So, what say you?"

OK. I am going to totally sound like a hippie geek here, so consider yourself warned...

Rocks are born of the Earth. Granite and crystals of all kinds are particularly prone to holding energies because of their molecular structures. Diamonds are a perfect example... their composition is, generally speaking, PERFECT. The carbon molecules are aligned and joined at 24 "angles" with each and every molecule, which is why they are the hardest substance known to man... every little piece is bonded to 24 other little pieces, and each of those to 24 other little pieces and so on. Diamonds are being used in microchips and lasers because of the immense heat they can withstand and their reliable (almost predictable) reaction to whatever they are subjected to.

Now for the hippie part. Do you believe that people have energy around them? It's like what we've talked about before - - when you meet people, sometimes you just get a feeling about them... creepy, uncomfortable, safe, excited. That sense, or first impression, tends to be true more often than not... and I believe it is because you are reading someone's energy. If they've been a bad enough person on the inside, you feel it and stay guarded. If they're a truly good person, you feel a friendship immediately.

Back to molecular composition... crystals are prone to holding energy because of how they are built. So if you believe people have energy, and understand that crystals can hold energies of all kinds, then the theory of more "hauntings" happening in a granite & crystal rich region makes sense. Of the people I know, rock people (even those that just keep some around because they're pretty) tend to live healthier lives with fewer illnesses...

I believe hauntings happen because the energy of someone's life (or death) is locked in that place. I believe in the power of crystals because since I became a true rock hound I haven't gotten sick (2 years now), and my husband has had no more than a scratchy throat.

Think what you want to... but that my 2 cents... plus change ;-)


I Hate People Because...

Kim Jong Il is a dickless wonder and is going to get away with it... He'll eventually get the balls to bomb someone, but won't be able to fund a war from his small country so he'll go into hiding and there will be one more planetary hot spot caused by the havoc he wreaked for a breif glimmer in history.

The fucking UN is just going to get a little snippy over the nuclear weapons testing, try to sanction him, and scold him if he doesn't listen.

This is precisely why I try to not get involved with politics. I am so pissed off right now I can hardly see straight! Why can't we just get that sad little man assassinated? Probably for the same reason we can't find Osama Bin Laden... our military is spread too thin to get the right information when they need it. There's not enough of American youth joining the armed forces, and too many of our soldiers are returing to foreign lands because of it.