Conquests - Part 1

I remember the stories my mother told me when I was a teenager... things she was proud of having experienced, even if they were experiences her kids never wanted to know. A lot of laughing and talking with a dear friend over the last few days has led me to try a new post (which I plan to get up every Friday)... Conquests.

I have been to a nude beach - - with my parents. It was completely by accident mind you.

I was 16, and had just completed a week of competition in California. My mom & dad had both come to support me, and on days I was touring San Diego as a representative my parents vacationed, and on days of competition that were open to the public my parents were there. We spent a few extra days after the whole thing to wind down from the excitement together and spend some time together as a family. One day had already been slated for visiting a beach, so we got up in the morning, had breakfast, and went on our way to Mission Beach. It was a blast, but very crowded with lots of seaweed on shore... and we decided to go in search of a quiet beach.

After an hour of driving we found an area off the freeway where people were hang-gliding from a beach-side cliff. My dad parked the car, and the three of us went towards the cliff edge. Below was a beautiful beach that was seaweed-free and relatively un-crowded. We grabbed our towels and began hiking down a path towards the shore.

The three of us thought it was perfect! Soft sand, small waves, and only about 5 people within 100 yards of us in either direction. There was a younger couple eating lunch in the sand about 30 feet away, and everyone else was off in the distance either in the water or sitting under umbrellas reading. Mother & I spread out our towels and ran for the water while Dad took off his t-shirt to lay in the sun. The water was warm, the sun was high, and it wasn't too hot - - until a Greek God went strolling by with a beer in hand, wearing nothing but his Ray-Ban sunglasses. She and I giggled and watched him keep on walking by... and my dad was oblivious of the naked stranger walking within 10 feet of him snoozing.

Keep in mind my parents were / are very modest, and my dad always wore the giant swim trunks while my mother was a fan of the full-body swimsuits with a knee-length skirt attached. She whispered to me, "Just don't tell your father." We kept swimming, and not but 15 minutes later another amazing chiseled naked man strolled by. After about the 6th naked guy, my mom decided my young virginal eyes had seen more than enough and it was time to leave. I didn't care either way, we had fit in almost 4 hours at the beach that day and I was hungry.

We went over to my dad, woke him up, and got ready to head up the path to our car. As my mother and I sat on a towel to put our shoes on, one of the nudies came up to my father to strike up a conversation. "Hey! Out with the family, eh? This your sister & kid? Beautiful day indeed! So, you come here often? I know most of the regulars here, but I don't think I've seen you before... Are you up to anything later?" My father looks angry, in a murderous rage sort of way. At this point my mother and I get up and start laughing, because we realize the naked man is actually HITTING ON my Montana Farm Boy father.

Politely, my mother says, "We are on our way to dinner. Have a wonderful day!" We climb the path, get in the car, and my father turns to me and says, "We will never speak of this again." I've never talked to him about it again... Does that count?


Banned XBOX 360 Ad

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Okay... if you've never seen this xbox 360 ad, you really should take a couple minutes of your time and have a good laugh. Click the pic to watch...


New Dress Code

I must first apologize to my loyal readers... I'm not going to have many more posts about Nipples, Thongie, or The Fish after this week. Apparently word has gotten around about the plethora of inappropriate apparel, and a new company dress code will be in effect in by the end of the month. Moving forward I will be forced to focus on personality flaws, scandals, and unusual happenings instead of the multitude of circumstances involving wardrobe malfunctions with bras, thongs, mini-skirts, see-through blouses, and cleavage.

With that in mind, I am going to discuss a brief meeting I had today with The Boss and some representatives of DHL, FedEx, and UPS who are desperate for new business.

"What is your volume in shipping?" "Well, it varies from week to week. Sometimes our departments send 30 in a week, sometimes they send 500." "What's your overall average?" "(Lie) I'm not sure." "Okay, what do we need to do to win your business?" "Give me a solid rate quote that won't change and a late pick-up." "We can't do that... we can give you a volume discount that will change from week to week to follow your shipping patterns." "Oh really? Currently if we reach a certain volume with you we get a rate cut for the following weeks business, but by then our volumes has dropped again." "Um, let me check on what we can do." UPS leaves the room and jump on her cell phone. "Listen, we offer individualized customer service as a contractor for DHL. We have a vested interest in what happens to your packages." "Oh really? Give me an example." "You can call my mobile number directly anytime there's a problem." "How will that help me?" "I can call the people you wouldn't be able to reach and get answers back in a few hours." "By then it's too late for a solution." "We can give you a personal sales rep at our customer service hub. You would get individualized service, but it would be directly through the company, rather than a 3rd party." FedEx scowls at DHL. UPS returns. "We might be able to set up a flat rate on a trial basis until we see what your volume is." "We always set a flat rate, and we can adjust it up or down by year depending on what happens." "We can give you a permanent flat-rate discount on every package for everything."

I don't know what my decision will be until I get the quotes in writing... but I am leaning one way because of the 3 people who came, only one rep actually came dressed in business attire. I'm never impressed by people who show up in shorts to pitch new business to me. At least come in business casual and not dressed like you're going to a picnic.


Mohammed On South Park

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Alright... not really new news, but news either way. Apparently the South Park episode that was to feature Mohammed this spring would not have been the first episode to show "The Idiot Prophet Mohammed". Anyone remember "The Super Best Friends" (July 4, 2001)? Well Mohammed was a member of the Club, and because there was no "Mohammed Controversy" at the time, not one fucking Muslim (of Islam or otherwise) had a God damn thing to say. Hell, he is a super-hero of South Park for Christ sake!

So for anyone wondering what Mohammed would have looked like giving the Salmon Helmet to The Family Guy on the episode, just CLICK on the picture above and you will be directed to Scientomogy, a happy little website that has posted The Super Best Friends episode as well as the pre-Comedy Central edited clip of Mohammed from April 2006.

Also CLICK HERE to see the many images from YEARS past that have been published of Mohammed with no retaliation.


Had Enough Yet?

I'm tired. Physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. I don't know how much more I can give to a thankless job full of hateful people. People who I thought were my friends have decided I don't know jack-shit about planning social events and shouldn't have a hand in two showers coming up... at least that's how I feel they're treating me. I don't live anywheree near any of the other women at work, so if I can't interrupt my schedule for a get-together I'm out. If anyone else can't make it, they change the date. I feel like I'm in high school all over again.

"No, really! We are your friends!" "Can you cover my ass for me?" "Hey... we appreciate your financial contributions, but that's all we want from you right now."

Things always seem to end this way. I try to be helpful. I am a good friend who listens to every problem and I don't give advice unless someone asks for it. I am honest and I don't bull-shit people. In the end, the bickering and back-stabbing end only when people think they have gotten to me. Oh well. Just one more reason I really only like my pets and my husband. I can't trust anyone else.


Nipple Bearing Co-Workers

Brace yourselves boys... I use the word "nipple" several times in this post.

Advertising is an industry for professionals. As professionals, I think it is appropriate to wear clothing that would be to acceptable standards even for Magic Mormon Underwear. I don't think it's OK for women to show off their thongs like they are auditioning to replace Britney Spears, nor do I think it's OK for women to wear skirts cut so high you can see what they had for lunch, nor is it OK for women to wear shirts cut so low you know whether they have an innie or an outtie. I don't approve of men wearing pants that fit them appropriately 15 lbs. ago but now emphasize everything BUT their good points, and I don't think it's OK for men to wear T-shirts in an office environment. In your free time - - wear whatever the fuck you want to wear. Even I will sport a mini-skirt or highly-visible clevage when I'm not at the office.

After much pondering over a name to assign to an extremely sweet woman I work with, I am resigned to calling her Nipples. I have found that in our offices, people come in starry-eyed and dreamy for their opportunity to work in Advertising. After a few short months they see through the illusion and don't give a crap anymore. That has happened to Nipples. She used to always dress so classy and stylish and was truly the envy of most women in the office. I guess she just had a way of looking professional and seductive all at once... and when she wasn't around she was the topic of conversation for her fabulous clothing.

Well, Nipples' few months of starry-eyed employment have come to an end, and so has her sense of caring about fashion. Her new style is a trendy skirt paired with a low-cut cotton shirt and clogs. She has been named Nipples by me because since she quit caring, she quit wearing a bra. Keep in mind she is very slender and virtually boobless so she is the perfect candidate for tank tops with shelf-bras built in and patterend tops for those days she does make the decision to go without a bra. Not the best build for single-layer cotton tops. Our offices are usually freezing, and instead of wearing a sweater to keep warm, Nipples marches around complaining about the temperature and bearing her nipples for all to see. I am friends with several men in the office, and a few have approached me in confidence asking if her boss had said anything to her yet. These men are all uncomfortable because Nipples has her nipples right there when she approaches them, and they all try to look away or not look at all due to sexual-harassment codes. Hey - - if any of the women look it's just looking, but if any of the men look it's harassment.

AT THE OFFICE - WEAR A DAMN BRA FOR FUCK SAKE. I know if I decided to come in braless one day I would be sent home immediately. Nipples' boobs without a bra are irritating. My boobs unharnessed would be vulgar.


Fat Bitch Strikes Again

I am going to hurt my neighbor if she doesn't leave the neighborhood soon. It would probably go beyond hurting her if I could hide the body... but how do you hide the corpse of a 5'10" 400 pound woman?

So this morning was the last walk-through on my home for the 1 year warranty program. Basically this was my last chance to go over any home issues before my warranty expires with the contractor and my husband and I are on our own. Honestly, since our basement flooded right after we moved in, there have been only a couple of little issues (knock on wood). Considering the horror stories I have heard from people who have gone through other home builders, I am blessed.

Anyways - - my warranty guy shows up to do my walk-through. He comes in and whispers, "Your neighbors kid is wandering unsupervised again." I look out the door past my warranty guy, and sure enough my neighbor's kid is tooling around in my front yard. Well after the last fiasco (see I Hate Mean People for more info. on the bitch) I decided to head back into my house and leave it alone. So as my warranty guy gets ready to work on the few issues I had, the doorbell rings. It's the evil neighbor.

"I am so sorry. My son just went running away from me and broke your globe." I look past her to see my decorative gazing globe that I have had for 3 years shattered on my walkway. What do you say? "I know you weren't watching your child again and now he's broken something of mine." What I actually spit out is, "Oh. Well that's okay. I can just go out and get a new one." "I just can't believe how fast he's getting. Maybe he'll be a runner someday! Wouldn't that just beat all!" "Yeah, like I should beat you in the face for being a shitty parent." "Yeah. That sure would, haha." "Just tell me what you want me to do... I can go buy you a new one or get you a gift certificate or anything." "I want you to eat shit and die!!!" "Well, they run about $30. I'm sure I can find a new one." She apologizes again, then goes and gets me $30.

Keep an eye on your fucking child, you fat whore! There are people out there even more evil than me who would eat your baby for walking on their lawn. Just because this is surburbia doesn't mean everyone else will watch your damn kid.


South Park "Scientology" Back On!!!

Yeah! Take that you scientology bitches!!! You LOSE!

South Park has received a Peabody Award for excellence in broadcasting. Having been a Broadcast Journalism major in college, the Peabody awards are very prestigious... kind of like a Nobel Prize for the world of Journalism. South Park's award came with the compliment for being a show that "...pushes all the buttons, turns up the heat and shatters every taboo," according to the Peabody Awards Director Horace Newcomb. "Through that process of offending it reminds us of the need for being tolerant." AMEN!!!

The comedy show has always been dear to my heart (I've been a fan since the beginning back when I was in high school), and has brought Comedy Central out of the red to make the network the powerhouse it is today. As buttons continued to be pushed, South Park creators Matt Stone & Trey Parker created an amazing episode dedicated to the farce of a church that is Scientology. With rave reviews and tons of publicity, Scientologists (and the power of the uber douche that is Tom Cruise) urged the network to pull the episode... and it was pulled thanks to the need for more Mission Impossible III publicity. Tom Cruise made matters worse by being a fucker knocking up women young enough to be his daughter out of wed-lock, and the MI:3 movie bombed.

Now the Scientology episode is coming back in a cruel twist of fate. The Emmys are shining on South Park, and have specifically nominated the Scientology episode for an award. Could things get much better? Oh hell yeah. Comedy Central has given a big "fuck you" to Scientology, Tom Cruise, and Viacom by announcing to begin re-runs of the episode again as soon as possible.

HORRAY!!! It is a grand day in the land of satire! CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO.