The Best of June - Horror Stories From Advertising

June was a month to remember for certain... as temperatures rise, so to tempers, and everyone is angry. Angry about the amount of money they make. Angry about the size of their raise. Angry about the person who said something that came across the wrong way to another person and resulted in a yelling match behind closed doors that made other people feel upset. I'm just tired of all the bitching.

Fireball - Yes, she's at it again! The anger and fury that is her personality has led to many dramatic changes in her little universe of hatred. I am in constant amazement of what people will put up with all because the Fireball is "just that way" in her behavior. If I had even one day of acting like she does as a lifestyle my ass would be looking for another job. Now, with all the things I do to help cover everyone else's butt, I can't catch everything that slips through the cracks. In early June a client had a campaign scheduled to start... but no one on the account thought to deliver the spot information to anyone within the building. No one e-mailed scripts. No one faxed instructions. No one called to get the information. It was as though the client just didn't exist for the month. To help correct the situation, several options were researched for getting the packages to the necessary stations in the same day, then as the ladies were coming to present her with the options, she shouted over the department, "TALK ONLY TO ME, PLEASE!" Funny that the gals were simply walking over to her cubicle, not really talking about anything. I wanted to say, "Don't be so angry at the world, little ball of fury. It is no one's fault but your own that your husband has left you. Just because he's not around anymore doesn't mean you can take out your aggressions on your co-workers." Instead, I watched... I like to do that. I like to learn people's breaking points and store up the information for a sunny day.

Greasy - This woman only works part-time. On the one or two days a month she visits, she comes in with stringy, greasy hair with bloodshot eyes that would make a pot-head envious. She is an over-paid, under-worked stay-at-home mom who procrastinates over her paperwork every month until the night before she needs to come in to turn in everything... so she stays up overnight, doesn't shower, and makes it look like she is truly more wigged out than necessary. We had a monthly meeting to touch base about an account I work with her on, and she pitched a fit that there wasn't anyone to make copies of her paperwork for her. She proceeded to tell the group of us in the conference room that she should be assigned an assistant on the days she plans to come in so she doesn't have to use the copy machine herself. She then turned to me and asked, "Can your house guest come in to work to make her copies for me tomorrow?" I responded with, "If you're willing to pay my guest to come to work on her vacation I'm sure she'd be happy to come in." The reply was, "As if! I never have to pay Panic Attack's kid to make copies for me, why should I have to pay for your house guest to come in?" I simply responded, "Because she is in town on vacation." Does she want the fucking planet on a silver-platter to cater to her every whim when she doesn't plan to DO HER JOB?!?

God am I getting sick of these people.


Being Replaced

I knew the time was near... My husband has moved across the country, I am soon to follow, and my duty at work now is to train my replacement. My training regimen is as follows:

#1 - Convince RJ to go to lunch whenever you need a gossip update about the Account Executive department.
#2 - Only poop in the bathroom by the shipping department because you can lock the door and take care of business in private.
#3 - Keep a camera phone on-hand at all company events because the images you catch on film will give you giggles the rest of your life (and maybe even make you wealthy).

My greatest sadness is that I will no longer be around to take my Art Guys to lunch anymore on my Taco's behalf. That's something that can't be taught to anyone... and no one is as cool as me to do that job anyway.

My Life - Silver Screen

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool...

Opening Credits:
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem - Kenny Chesney
Waking Up:
Ode To The Lonely Heart - Sugar Ray
First Day at School:
Blue (Da Ba Dee) - Eiffel 65
Falling in Love:
If She Knew What She Wants - Bangles
Fight Song:
I Ran (So Far Away) - Flock of Seagulls
Breaking Up:
Move This - Techtronic
Vogue - Madonna
Mental Breakdown:
If This Is It - Huey Lewis & The News
Come Go With Me - Del Vikings
Back Where I Come From - Kenny Chesney
Getting Back Together:
Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-A-Lot
Digging For Gold - Chris Gaines
Birth of Child:
Time Is On My Side - Rolling Stones
Final Battle:
Dancin' Shaggin On The Boulevard - Alabama
Death Scene:
I Hope You Die - Bloodhound Gang
Funeral Song:
Mi Gusta Vivr De Noche - Los Tucanes
End Credits:
Where I Find My Heaven - Gigolo Aunts

*LMAO - Okay... that was way fun. Some lined up just perfectly... others made me tear up laughing - Thanks Heather!!!


Lack Of Sleep

Working full time in advertising while maintaining a home-based business is making my life crazy. Things were manageable until the home business really picked up - - I had 20 sapphires to facet in less than 2 weeks... and I still had regular repair gemstones coming in. I've almost doubled my monthly wages with this plethora of work, but DAMN.

I haven't had dark circles under my eyes like this since college! There was a time I could go to school, work full time, do homework, go on dates, party, and continue to function like a normal human being on 4 hours of sleep. I looked like hell, but I felt just fine.

Did I get old overnight? I'm in a downright foul mood if I don't get a full 8 hours of sleep... Speaking of which, I should probably go to bed since I'll only get in about 6 hours tonight if I'm lucky! Look out tomorrow, co-workers!!!


Conquests - Part 11

I have been under hypnosis.

Now don't think I'm a person who is easily influenced by anything... but I volunteered for a comedic hypnosis show back in my early 20s. Having seen this particular hypnotist in action with my mother, we both thought we'd bring our friends to his last show in town. My participation would give everyone a good laugh at someone they know!

Hypnosis for me was receiving suggestions while in a state of awareness but lack of caring. It was quite fun, actually! I felt relaxed and comfortable - with no inhibitions. It was like being drunk with more memory and less queasiness.

My assigned suggestions were initially goofy... "You are a straw kleptomaniac" and I collected straws around the club from every person that wasn't looking during intermission. "You find every man with a beard to be the hottest man alive" and I would shamelessly flirt with a bearded guy until another walked by. "You are Celine Dion" and I got pissed off and berated anyone who didn't recognize me. Great fun!

Great fun until the last hour of the show... when the hypnotist decided for his last night in town things needed to be downright dirty. So some people were on stage dancing with their chairs, then kissing their chairs, then trying to do the nasty with their chairs. I wasn't a part of that massive group. No, of course not. I was one of 3 women the hypnotist kept to the side for the next part... With just a touch of his hand on our shoulder, we would experience an amazing orgasm.

My mother is in the audience. Her best friends are in the audience. My crush is in the audience. My co-workers are in the audience - - and I know it, but just don't care. The hypnotist came up behind me... and he barely touched my shoulder.

That was a great night... and I had the experience of a lifetime.


Trouble With Tribbles

It is a very windy day today... windy with blowing dust. Every time I breathe in I get a gritty, dirty taste in my mouth. It's monsoon season in Colorado, so every night we've had fantastic rain showers daily. Today I'm looking outside and all I can see is a wall of dust.

Upon visiting a local weather page... the following popped up:
It looks like a normal weather information blurb except for the picture that depicts dust in the air. Now when I look at that little graphic, I see the following:
Upon arriving home tonight I found a 6' wall of giant of windblown timbleweeds along my fence-line - - and that really is the trouble with tribbles...


The Best of May - Horror Stories From Advertising

I am having so much fun writing this update every month! Thanks to all my readers who return regularly to check out the features. Let the stories begin!!!

The Baby Bunch - There is a group of women who are openly trying to get pregnant. As I've said, the office is a small group of people, maybe a total of 35-40 people in the building full-time. This group is roughly 7 women (20% of the company) who have babies on the brain and are all either plotting out their lives around getting pregnant, are ready to get pregnant and actively practicing, or have a bun in the oven already. I applaud each of these ladies in their efforts. My own husband and I have been trying off and on for the past 2 years with no luck, so we're now back to "Lets do some more travel and finish up the last of school first." The horror of it all is there is one woman who has gone through fertility treatments of every kind and has received final word she just can't get pregnant... and one woman in the Baby Bunch knows her story, yet gushes about her plans anyways around her . It is so hard to watch my friends' reaction every time the subject comes up - - it's as though I am watching someone's heart break before my eyes. All I can do when it happens around me is change the subject as quickly as possible and hope no one notices anything. The closet-preggers and some of the wanna-be-mommies are not at all malicious to my dear friend with the bad news, but that one woman makes it her mission to gush baby-talk around my friend like she wants to inflict mental pain. Why are there such evil people in the world? It's the kind of behavior that makes me sure vominous black oil oozes through the veins of some. I do wish the best to my pregnant, and soon to hopefully be pregnant friends, but I also wish a life of infertility on the one evil individual with the heart that is dark as pitch.

The Fish - Yes, she has struck again! It is pretty much common knowledge that she has left her boyfriend of 2 years so she can continue knocking boots with a client without feeling guilty about washing off the man-juice of one guy in the home of another guy. Well, the night she decided it was over, The Fish, Thongie, and Fireball all decided to head out for a night of binge drinking and drunken purgeing. It was a work night, but who the fuck cares when you just need to get hammered? The following morning Fireball comes in on-time and pissed off as always. Thongie wanders in clearly hung-over at her usual time of 9:30 (an hour past when she is supposed to be at work). The Fish calls in around 10:00, and is still so morbidly drunk on the phone that our receptionist can only attempt to deciper her mumbling and pass the message to her manager. I guess use your sick time as you see fit... but DAMN, don't make your drunken stupor so obvious!