Finding My Way

Why can't I find the answers I'm looking for? I'm tired, and yet I need to keep going.

Thank goodness my husband and I have had some vacations in mind for awhile. Tomorrow we will head down the road to Carlsbad Caverns to take a nice break. We have been planning this for 3 months... A day to drive down, a day to go on some small private tours, and a day to drive back.

Just get me out of the house and away from everything. That's what I need. That's what he needs. I know we'll talk a lot about stuff that's been going on in our lives at work - since it seems so hard to get out of work at a reasonable time to have any energy left to talk. We'll take a ton of pictures and bring back some great memories.

I just can't believe Thanksgiving has basically come & gone, and our 4th Anniversary is just a blink away. My mother told me time would go faster as I got older, and she was right. It scares me to see everything happening so fast. Friends are starting families, others have toddlers, my oldest nephew turned 18 a day ago, and my knees are cracking when I get out of bed. Bah Humbug!


Conquests - Part 10

I have raced Stock Cars.

In Montana, people have this strange obsession with their cars. I, too, was guilty of obsessing over a certain 1957 Jeep Willie's Truck, but that's a story for another time.

The radio station I worked for had a fundraiser every fall at a 3/4 mile racetrack outside of Polson, MT. The fun part for DJs was that we could either help at the booth, or be in the race if we found a sponsor to let us drive their cars. I happened to have been friends with a couple of kids from Polson back when I was in High School, and it just so happened that one of them had a stock car they raced regularly at the track our fundraiser was to be held at. A little flirting and a case of beer later, I had a car to race... I was thrilled!!!!

The day of the event was stormy, and just when it looked as though everything would be cancelled due to "slippery" conditions - - the sun came out, a bright double rainbow arched over the mountains the served as the backdrop to the track, and we were back on! I had an '88 Chevy Camaro, V8 with a custom B&M shifter, and at the time Montana had no speed limits, so I knew how to drive a hot car.

The race began with a rolling start, and DJs from all over the region were battling on the racetrack. It was an incredible rush! Fifty laps on smooth asphalt ended with me taking a close second to a DJ who was driving his own stock car. Oh, yeah, and we raised about $5,000 for the local charity ;-)


Ted Haggart

The Ted Haggart (New Life Church) scandal is all over the internet & national news. Funny, but this event further solidifies my loss of faith... so let me tell you a story.

My grandmother was raised in a family of 7 sisters and 4 brothers... she was the poor daughter of a Methodist Minister. She married in her early 20s, and had 3 children. Her husband died when he was 35, and she was left to raise the family on the income of a shoe factory worker. She was dedicated to her family, faithful to God, and a strong woman.

When I was a little girl, my grandmother had 2 heart-attacks in less than 6 months. She moved in with my family because she didn't have health insurance, and we were more than happy to have her close-by (she was an incredible cook, too).

I grew up in a religious household... We went to church every Sunday, my parents & grandmother were in worship while I attended Sunday School. The Evangelical United Methodist Church of Billings, MT had provided us faith for many years. Once my grandmother moved in, the hospital bills began piling up, my family wasn't able to contribute to the church for a short time. Our pastor approached my mother just before Christmas and said it had been noted that my family wasn't contributing on Sunday. He told her it was important to not be selfish especially during the holidays, because our faith was more valuable than any present, and our contribution was needed by the church no matter how hard of times we were having.

Four days later my grandmother passed away... in the middle of the night due to another heart-attack. Her funeral was held on Christmas Day. Our pastor arrived late to perform her service... he had been at a local car dealer all morning buying a brand new Cadillac. My mother never went back to church. It was too hard to attend a church full of greed. After that we only prayed over meals on holidays, and I never fully understood why we stopped going to church until my mother told me the story when I was 18.

Fast forward in my life - - my mother became very ill. I found myself praying that if God were giving out miracles he would heal her. She had never lost her faith... and I know when she was afflicted with the mysterious illness she prayed herself. I was with her when she passed away.

I didn't set foot inside a church again until this summer. Since my husband and I don't have children, we make it a point to spend time with my nephews & nieces as often as we can. We flew my oldest niece into town to spend a few weeks with us... on the condition that we would take her to church at least once while she was visiting. You see, my youngest brother is a church pastor himself, and he is gravely concerned about the salvation of my soul. At his request I took my niece to New Life Church. My brother had heard of the massive church through his pastoral studies, and had read several transcripts by Ted Haggart - - the leader of the massive congregation.

As promised, I took my niece to worship. It was inspiring in a way. A huge sound stage, live Christian pop band, thousands of people in one giant round room raising their arms up to feel the spirit of the Lord... real fuzzy feel-good God stuff. I wasn't comfortable at all. If it was Aerosmith on stage the story would be different. During the last song the lead singer said a prayer (imagine this in a deep-Southern crazy Baptist dialect) "Lohrd-da. I pray for these people. I pray for ever-ry soul-ah in this room-ah. For ever-ry lost spirit that has-ah found their way here-ah, for ever-ry man, woman, and child to feel the strength of your looove! Say it with-ah my now. MY HEART IS WITH-AH JESUSSSSSS! AMEN! MY EYES ARE AIMING TOWARD-AH HEAVEN! HALLELIULAH! MY SOUL BELONGS TO JESUSSSS!!! MY FINANCES BELONG TO JESUSSSSSSS!!!"

I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

A quaint little white bucket came flying down the row of people. In fact, every section of this concert hall had a white bucket for every row. As it came past me I took a quick glance down to see two checks on top of the cash... one for $150, the other for $40. With all the money that was surely in the bucket for my row, I calculate in my head... and recalculate... I figure with three Sunday services with average attendance, this "non-profit" organization was bringing in about $65,000 per weekend, or $3,380,000 annually. It was a nice building, with a coffee bistro, bookstore, and full-service day care. Wow! They're making a boatload! TAX-FREE!

The man with the plan came out on stage as the music concluded. He had a big semi-cheesy grin, but it was easy to look past once he began his sermon. He spoke of the day he heard from God and had a vision to build a massive church in Colorado. He told the sad Biblical story of the child named Ichabod (a.k.a The Glory of God is Lost). He mentioned the money that New Life Church had helped raise for another parish to buy an AC unit and re-roof their building. He ended the hour with a strange conglomeration of thoughts that stuck with me... "Remember to have faith. Men, do not lust after someone that is not your wife, and do not ever cheat on your wife for any reason - because the only way to build a strong family is to have trust in each other and faith in God. Women, do not turn away from your husband if you think he may be straying - because your strength may be all that he has to keep from falling apart. Have faith. Have faith in God and your family will be strong."

Ted Haggart was the speaker that day... and as a charismatic speaker his words stuck with me. This weekend I found out he is a gutless wonder. With all his faith in God and love of his family he is weak.

He got some Meth and was in a relationship with a gay hooker. But according to Christianity he won't burn in Hell... because he believes in God. For everything he has done to himself, his family, and his community he gets to go to Heaven. I am the one destined for Hell... because I don't know what I believe in. For everything I do right, for as faithful as I am to my family and my husband, for all the things I do for others I get to look forward to eternal damnation.

Fuck it.


I Seem To Be Buddhist

You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already.

In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth.



















Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with

I think my favorite part is the top 3 - Buddhist, Satanism, and Paganism. Sounds about right to me!


What Crime?

An interesting topic came up today at lunch... so I thought I'd post a quick query for my readers. Please answer the following question:

If you were to be convicted of a crime, what crime would it be and how long do you think you would be in prison?

For me - - It would probably be Burgulary. I'd be part of some elaborate plot involving a bank robbery, but the authorities wouldn't realize it was me until after I had fled the country and was living life in some tropical paradise. They'd never catch me, so no jail sentence here!