Kitty!

Here's the famous furball - - showing off her "Drunken Fat Man" pose. I am still trying to get a shot of her doing this while she's watching TV... Unfortunately she usually runs when I reach for the camera!

Salsa Dancing & Drug Busts

I have a group of girls I like to go out with about once a month. Sometimes we go to the Irish Pub, sometimes we go to the movies. This past weekend we went dancing. The place of choice? A salsa dancing club in the center of town.

The area this particular club sits in has a few different places to go for a good time - - a country bar, a lazer tag place, a dollar store. All kinds of good stuff mixed in with an office park and at least 5 different pawn & loan shops. Kind of dirty, kind of sleazy, cheap, and eclectic. Now to get to this club one must find their way through a maze of one-story office flats into an area with a poorly lit parking lot.

When I am meeting people I like to be on time - - and I am usually the first person to arrive anywhere. This weekend I had over 20 minutes to wait for my friends to show up which gave me quite a bit of time to observe the crowd entering the building. Alarms immediately began sounding in my head. When I worked at Target I received extensive training in identifying potential criminals (as well apprehending and detaining them when necessary), and many arriving had the look of drug dealers and pick-pockets.

My crew of ladies arrived and we all went in together. I was surprised by everything before my eyes... there was a couple in their 70s working their salsa moves on the dance floor, a group of 8 greasy-haired men hunkering around a corner table, 2 young pregnant women wearing stripper dresses with skirts so short you could see their lunch, a very tall man around 25 wearing a white zuit suit with gangsta hat (his honey wore a matching dress and hat), and then the 5 of us gals who have no idea what on Earth we are doing.

The free lessons went well, we all were asked to dance a few times, and around midnight the club started to get packed with a crowd of people that looked just scary... shifty eyes watching our every move, whispering and pointing, strange hand signals, and lingering handshakes with all-knowing glances. I decided it was time to go, and I was going to take my friends with me. A little chattering and I convinced them all we should go over to the country bar nearby and get a break from the overpowering salsa music. We left quickly and a few guys followed us out, but once they realized there were so many of us most of them returned to the club. The rest of the evening was uneventful and the weekend went by.

Monday, 7:55 AM - "And in other news, several known gang members were apprehended this weekend at a local salsa club." I stare at my radio while sitting at the red light. "After months of undercover investigations, officers successfully captured the leader of a local gang thought to be the mastermind for drug trafficking through the city. Eight upper-level members of the gang are awaiting charges from assault with a deadly weapon to drug-related activity."

Come to find out the night after we went dancing the bust went down in the very same club where we had been shaking our tail feathers. Small world... I think I'll stick to Monopoly nights and movies from now on.

Fake Bake Tanning = Queer Husband?

My husband and I are finally going on vacation. The plan is a Caribbean Cruise in late April - 8 days, 7 nights, 4 destinations. I have never been anywhere tropical, and I can't wait to see the beaches... walk in the sand, swim in the ocean, and visit Mayan temples. The world is an adventure waiting to happen, and I want to see and experience as much of it as I can in my lifetime.

For the record - - I am not a big fan of tanning beds, but for our wedding I did get a golden tan without burning and had the "blushing bride" thing going. The woman who made our wedding cake is a world traveler - - she has been on 3 African safaris, visited Brazil, France, Australia, Jamaica, Iceland, among the many. I remember when I was a teenager she told me the best advice she could give for travelling is to go get an initial tan before visiting anywhere sunny / tropical, "Because nothing ruins a perfect vacation like a blistering sunburn on your first day out."

I have always remembered the advice, and have decided to take preventative action because this is one vacation I don't want to get fried on (I already know I don't get sea sick so we're good there). Upon telling my husband my plan to tan, he rolled his eyes and said, "You're just looking for a reason to get a tan." Remember, in our relationship, the only time I have EVER tanned was for our wedding.

I said, "Do you want me to buy a tanning package for you too?" To which he replied, "Do guys really do that? It sounds kind of gay." "Remember the woman who did our wedding cake? She and her husband both tanned for their last cruise, and he's 65!" "Oh well, yeah then, sign me up for some - - How many times should I go?" "Probably 2 or 3, if you don't like it you can stop."

So per our monthly game plan, we're going for chiropractic adjustments this weekend followed by a couples massage... and then he's getting his first tanning session. "I just hope I don't get a sunburn on my balls." I hope he doesn't either, but it would be damn funny!!!

No Offense Taken

If you are looking for organizations to better the world around you, check out these sites:
Humane Society of the United States
USO - United Service Organizations
The One Campaign

I have decided to respond to my friend Rosie's post directly in my blog because I think there are important issues to be addressed rather than lost in my comments.

Her post reads as this:
"I thought I would comment and share my opionion although you may not like what I have to say. (don't take this personally at all, I hope you can appreciate what I have to say)

It bothers me that people are wasting their time over such a trivial issue, actually non-issue. There are so many better things to be doing with our time that could be bettering the world instead of just pissing people off. Imagine if everyone who was writing about, thinking about, and signing that boycott put there energy into something positive. My solution would be something like "hey if you hate Tom Cruse sign this petition to end world hunger and forget about that bastard" Seriously lets forget about South Park and Scientology and all join The One Campaign www.one.org and really make a difference and save some lives. Just seems like adding fuel to the fire to get into the whole scientology debate and giving press and publicity to a new movie and a banned tv show."

I understand your point of view, and I agree there are many things people could spend more time doing for the good of the planet. Ending world hunger is a great cause, but I also feel many of these organizations have other interests in mind. I do not feel I am wasting my time doing research and "ranting", because I am passionate about the things I write and am concerned about where this world is going if people don't take a stand and rant. To me, people should research information and experiences to give others more insight for making their decisions. There are dangerous things in this world that if they weren't researched (out of pure curiosity) could harm MANY people.

For example, Bald Eagles were on the brink of extinction just a few decades ago. No one could figure out what was happening to cause their numbers to drastically dwindle. So a small group of Wildlife Biologists began looking for answers. Upon looking into the Bald Eagle's breeding habits, nothing had changed - - except the density of the egg shells of their young. Further reseach proved DDT and Dieldrin (non-water soluable chemicals), commonly used in pesticides were becoming a part of the environment in more ways than just preserving crops. Small animals were feeding on the crops which were sprayed with DDT, eagles (and osprey) were feeding on these smaller animals, and the residual effect was that bird eggs were softening (something that could not have been predicted before). In 1962, Rachel Carson published her findings about the shells of bird eggs, as well as the chemicals' side effect that it can cause cancer. DDT and similar chemicals were banned shortly thereafter. If the research had never been done, Bald Eagles may have become extinct, and we would still be ingesting DDT in our food every day.

Visit the Scientology website, and you will see the religion seems safe enough and a good idea for those without specific spiritual direction. That is exactly the type of moldable minds this cult is seeking. They say they have the cure for sadness, exhaustion, depression, and any ills this world may throw at you. For a sensitive person who feels there is nowhere to turn, Scientology could seem like a great answer. What Scientologists don't say on the website is that world's woes are caused by alien spirits that infest your soul and make you unhappy because the alien souls are unhappy because they have been brainwashed to be unhappy - - saying that would make them look silly so they wait about 15 years before charging you $19,500 for the book that tells you what I just told you.

Scientology is not a safe "religion", and I think people should share their opinions, findings, and arguments to learn for themselves what is out in the world. Please see my previous post Scientology & Muslims for more of my research into different religions, even before this all happened.

More World News

Here's some links that have tons of useful information for the curious mind...
Operation Clambake
Stop Scientology
The Onion News

This whole South Park thing has obviously got me steeming. Catholics took the episode with child molestation and the Great Queen Spider very well... they know people will take it with a grain of salt and call it a day, and no one really even talks about it anymore.

Scientologist officers, however, have created more negative publicity for the cult than they bargained for, and if they had consulted with their body thetans and maybe even listened, no one would be saying anything outside the circle of people who watch South Park.

Person 1: "Gee, wasn't that South Park Scientology episode funny?"
Person 2: "Ya, Tom Cruise is so queer."
Person 1: "Wanna head out for some pizza & beer?"
Person 2: "Sure."

THAT WOULD BE THE END OF IT. But that's not good enough for Scientology. Hell, no. Rather than bow out gracefully and call it a day - - The episode must be BANNED from Comedy Central.

Ah, but what to do about geeks?

Stupid fucking Scientologist people. YOU CAN'T STOP GEEKS! A news report that sparks some curiosity, a quick Google search, and the plethra of Anti-Scientology websites flood your computer screen. Click on any one of them and you can watch the ENTIRE episode from the comfort of your home AT ANY TIME.

Person 1: "Have you seen all the stuff Scientologists have been doing to South Park?"
Person 2: "Ya, Tom Cruise is so queer."
Person 3: "I saw the episode on the internet. Those people are fucking stupid."
Person 4: "I haven't seen it but I know they were talking about it on NBC."
Person 1: "I have the link on my computer, let me forward it to you."
Person 2: "Hey, let's all watch it together over lunch."
Person 3: "Ya, I'll let everyone know about it."
Person 4: "I love you guys."

Now you have GEEKS spreading the word of South Park. I sent THIS LINK to my co-workers. The Boss who hates the entire concept of South Park has even watched it. Now it has become business lunch conversation, and she shared the link with her clients. This is going to be the undoing of Scientology. They have dug themselves a hole to be buried in.

Now my final word of the day - - Ok, Cruise, you won't promote your movie if the South Park episode continues to air? Fine. I'll show you the power of the geeks, BITCH.
I AM JOINING IN THE BOYCOTT OF YOUR MOVIE.
You're a lousy actor anyway.

Scientology vs. Enron

I LOVE South Park - along with its creators Matt Stone & Trey Parker. I tend to enjoy following press releases as they are related to Trey & Matt versus The World of Regulations. As many of you may know, the episode known as "Anti-Scientology" has been forceably removed from Comedy Central by the Cult of Scientology. I have been thinking that with all this hubbub, Scientology has become very much like Enron.

Shall we compare to prove my point? Why yes, I think we shall!

Enron : A company which made global investments in electric, natural gas, and communications business ventures creating a profitable, investor-friendly environment.
Scientology : A religious organization which advises investments in spiritual freedom through teaching and preaching, creating a profitable environment by charging for services.

Enron : High ranking executives "get rich quick" through innovative marketing and accounting practices which elevated the company into instant fame.
Scientology : High ranking church officials "get rich and stay rich" by pressuring members pay exorbitant fees to read questionably innovative publications for advancing individual spirituality.

Enron : As insider trading and illegal accounting practices leak into the public eye, bribes are paid to government officials throughout the world to "keep things quiet".
Scientology : As ranking members begin to leave the church and curious minds speak out about their finding, they are threatened, ruined, and even murdered to "keep things secret".

Enron : As the end drew near, massive cover-ups and public relations campaigns were launched to put the company in a positive light as the world of Enron came crashing down, forcing bankruptcy and financial ruin.
Scientology : With each passing day more and more people become educated about the deceit of the Cult, as Scientologist officials fight to "keep the faith" alive by launching massive cover-ups that may further force the church into financial ruin.

Clearly, where there is smoke there is fire... and Scientology is being burned to a crisp. I love Freedom of Speech , and anoyone who seeks to squelch our great American freedoms can dutifully kiss my ass.

Breifly, Scientology preaches that unhapiness comes from Body Thetans that infest our souls with the misery of their deaths 100 million billion years ago... for the full details CLICK HERE then select WATCH THIS MOVIE.

L. Ron Hubbard was a brilliant manipulator when you consider that idea of telling people on a global scale that if they are unhappy, you have the key... but only if they are able to pay a nominal fee. Unhappy individuals are forced into becoming as successful as their intelligence will allow to be able to afford the key to happiness.

I'd rather preach ethical egoism, but it's not as profitable because it tells people the key to happiness is making a way for yourself without manipulating anyone besides yourself. Any religion that says it can cure your unhappiness is lying. Unhappiness is a state of mind that only you can cure for yourself. Accept your past, in this life and previous lives, and be thankful for living through your experiences. Look yourself in the mirror and appreciate each day that is given to you, along with the pains and joys it may bring. The only thing that can make you truly happy is appreciating yourself for who are.

To end for today, I wish to post a quoted press release that sums up a true understanding of recent events between South Park and the Cult of Scientology:

"So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!"
- Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu -

Lame Excuse

I work with a woman who smokes like mad. I have no problem with people who smoke, mind you, but she goes every hour and takes 15 minutes every time she's outside. After getting irritated with her fully taking advantage of the work system I finally asked her if she had ever considered giving up smoking. Her was response was, "I have a condition that my doctor says causes me to have irregualr breathing and makes me borderline narcoleptic. If I don't smoke consistently and regulate my breath I'll instantly fall asleep."

Um, irregular breathing? Ever try NOT SMOKING and inhaling fresh air at a regular pace?

Lemmings

I love how quick people are to forward e-mail messages without actually researching the contents. Today I received a message from a former co-worker about a state-of-art skiing facility in Dubai, UAE. Now the message had been altered as it has been sent, each person adding their own comments to the pictures included. What frustrates me is how ignorant people are, forwarding this message to everyone one their e-mail list, me included.

The e-mail contained several images of an amazing structure recently completed in the United Arab Emirates which is a full indoor ski slope with chair lifts and different difficulties of slopes for skiing tourists to enjoy. This is not the first structure of its type to be built - - similar structures are in Japan, England, and even the USA. The structure in the UAE is the first of its kind in the sheer scale, snow capacity, and couse variety. Visit the Dubai Resort Website to really get a feel for how massive this structure is.

The comments people added were things like:
"I thought you might enjoy seeing this engineering marvel that provides an insight into why gasoline is so costly."
"Why is gasoline $2.49 a gallon for regular unleaded?????? So they can ski in the desert!"

GOD FORBID PEOPLE IN OTHER COUNTRIES WOULD WANT LUXURIES LIKE WE TAKE FOR GRANTED IN AMERICA!!! The whole e-mail made me sick as I reviewed the added jabs and stabs of the people who didn't bother to do any further investigation. Here's a little FYI if YOU are interested in knowing more, read on or click Dubai, UAE.

Dubai is a small country (population around 700,000 people total) that has been made rich by the oil under their desert sands. The royalty of the country has enough money that they could buy any island of their choice and call it home for all eternity. Dubai became independent of Abu Dhabi in 1833, and a world power in the oil industry in the 1950's and 1960's. Unlike Abu Dhabi, Dubai's oil production is highly limited, with the best estimates showing the country will no longer be able to depend on the oil industry after 2015 because their oil fileds will be dry.

Soooooooo, what to do as the Prince of Dubai? Well he certainly could take his money, buy that island of his choice, and live a life of luxury with his wives, friends, and family for all eternity leaving his country to fend for itself after the oil runs out.

INSTEAD, what he has chosen to do is create a different economy for the country to rely on for the future - - Tourism. His vision is making Dubai an affordable, luxurious vacation spot that people from all over the world would want to visit and enjoy. He sees people coming to enjoy nightclubs, fine dining, exquisite shopping, and vacation villas that the upper middle class of most countries can afford and enjoy. This is a man thinking ahead.

Investors from all over the world (thousands from the USA even) have pitched in big money to buy luxury property on another engineering miracle known as Palm Island within Dubai, United Arab Emirates. If Tourism is how the Prince of Dubai sees his people living for the future, I say more power to him for that than leaving his people to starve and fend for themselves. Billions of dollars have gone into the construction of tourist attractions to be built in Dubai, and with each passing year it is more solidified that the country has a future and unique signature all its own.

Learn to appreciate Capitalism - - especially when its not in the USA. It is a social & economical system that urges people to do their best to achieve success. I dislike oil prices and the cost of gas as much as the next person, but my response to that is CARPOOLING.

Sledding Story

My father is a great story-teller. He's had years of practice telling tales to my brothers long before my parents had me. With all the snow outside today (first snow in a month), I have decided to share my favorite sledding story from my father...

My father grew up on a cattle farm in Roundup, Montana. His parents had about 300 acres of land, and 3 strong sons to help them maintain it. My dad and his oldest brother were only 11 months apart in age, and his little brother was 8 years behind him. To keep a cattle ranch successful and profitable, there are daily chores taht must be handled: feeding & watering the herd, maintaining the farm machinery, and keeping the home in good working order. On a farm, you can basically get into worlds of mischeif if your chores are finished and the farm is in order.

Winters are very harsh on the eastern side of Montana, often with 6 feet of snow as the average each winter, lots of wind, and snow drifts that hide the roads. One winter day when the roads were hidden and the chores were finished, my father and his oldest brother (12 & 13 at the time) thought it would be fun to go sledding on the hill near their house. My grandparents never bought the boys real sleds, however, so these two boys decided to use parts from an old farm car that had been rusting away on the property. Their sled for the day was to be the hood of the old car, rigged up with "brakes" that were two strips of 3/4" scrap metal bolted to either side of the hood.

To ensure an exciting ride, my father and his brother carried buckets of water up the hill and splashed them onto the snow. With the near zero temperatures, the snow / water combination made a slick sheet of ice all the way down the hillside. In the late afternoon, the two older boys drug the old car hood up the hill, and their littlest brother hiked up behind them. Togerther they jumped onto their home-made sled and began the first ride down the hill... faster & faster as the hill became more steep. A wild ride for sure, but quickly nearing the end of their ice patch. As they flew onto the softer snow they tried using the "brakes", but to no avail - - and there was plenty more hill to ride down. Rushing past trees and the barn they were struggling just to hang on. Streaking past the house, they were unstoppable.

Unstoppable until they ran into the coal shed... and prodeeded to blast the old wooden shack to smithereens. The ride was over, and their father who had been watching from the porch was having the laugh of his life. The remainder of their snow filled week did not involve any more "sledding", but instead a laborious rebuild of the coal shed.

My First Lap Dance

Getting all my juicy stories typed out is more difficult than I had expected, more particularly getting the good details transcribed. Today I am going to use key words I think freaky people would search for to maybe bring more traffic to my site, and hopefully make you laugh, and follow up with a new horror story!!!

Key Words:

Hot Asian Chicks Black Butts Booty Man Sheep Action Midget Porn Boobs Republican Tits Naked Penis Democratic Pornography Marriage Married Swinger Single Barely Legal Lonely Scientology Rampage Pre-Mature Birth Divorce Murder Anger Management Road Rage Poop Poo Fecal Matter Flatulence Great Good Beer Booze & Bootlegging Stripper Wife Beatings Abused Husband Neglected Children Animal Freaks Conjoined Twins Serial Killer Favorite Wedgie Science

YAY! Story time!!! So I’ve seen quite a bit of the world, done quite a few fun / interesting things in my lifetime, and I’m quite proud my experiences. If I ever ran for political office, there would be a lot of explaining to do, but I don't really think that will ever happen. One experience last summer involved drunken women, a pool hall, and a strip club. Let me explain…

My sister-in-law is a fantastic woman who I admire dearly. She has been there, done that, and lived to tell the story. I do believe she is a young soul, finding it necessary to cram as many experiences into this lifetime as possible. She and my brother came to visit us in our new home this summer, and my sister-in-law contacted the wife of one my brother’s former co-workers who happens to live in the same city as my husband and I do now. I have met my brother’s old co-worker, and I have to say he’s not a very impressive person… he feeds off of other people like a leech sucking their life-force from every insecurity and speaking poorly of their intelligence until they are wussy masses of flesh around him. This man’s wife is one of those people who has been drained by her husband to pitiful subservience for the remainder of her life. They really are the perfect couple. Both have cheated on each other several times, their children are demons who disobey their parents in every way, and it’s just one big happy family!

My sister-in-law and the evil ex-co-workers wife are good friends, and decide they want a night out. My brother had concerns that they would have a little too much fun, so he asked that I be the designated driver and keep his wife out of trouble. I swore I’d take care of them both, and us ladies headed out on the town. Out first stop was to be for dinner & drinks, so I took them to a fantastic Mexican restaurant that serves ½ gallon marguerites. I decided this would be the best place because if they got liquored up early on they’d be happy sitting and talking and being drunk. Of course, this wouldn’t be much of a story if that was what had happened.

Neither of them ate, they both sucked down their ½ gallon drinks, then begged me to take them somewhere fun…. The friend said she was feeling neglected in her marriage and needed to feel attractive. The best place I could think of was to head toward the active nightlife of downtown. We went to a pool hall for a few games, and both ladies continued drinking – while slapping and grabbing each other’s asses. We all got hit on, the friend started hanging off some guy who later invited her to head to his place… and I decided it was time to go.

Ready to take them back to their husbands, the friend began crying, saying she wasn’t ready and just needed one more stop to feel sexy… and her choice place was to go to a strip club. Both women decided that as the designated driver I had to take them yonder to a seedy location the friend researched weeks ahead of time. I knew where she wanted to go, but I played dumb and tried to get us “lost”. My sister-in-law began grabbing at the wheel every time she saw a gas station begging me to pull in so they could get directions. Fearing for our safety, I eventually complied.

The drunken ladies sauntered in and spoke to the attendant - - who proceeded to give them directions a monkey could follow to find this place. They both shouted and yelled as I was driving, telling me EXACTLY where to turn to get to our destination. We pulled up to a large box-like building in true stripper form with neon lights all around the outside in pinks and purples proclaiming the name of the establishment.

Keep in mind, I’ve been to my share of stripper shows - - men and women - - and up to this point had never seen anything that really impressed me. Most of the stunts I’ve seen could easily be performed by anyone I know with the assistance of a stripper pole and 6” platform shoes. That is, up until this evening. As we walked, some guy on the main observation floor began cheering and clapping thinking we were the next act. We told him we were just here for a show, then took a seat and watched a couple of the dancers. Nothing extraordinary at all.

Then, a young gal came out on stage in pure white full belly-dancer garb and began her routine. My sister-in-law and I were both interested (we are both former belly-dancers), and we talked about her good form and recognizable moves. After a couple minutes, the dancer shimmied over to the stripper pole (which goes up about 25 feet to the ceiling) and she began to climb. Upon reaching the ceiling she began stripping, dropping her garments to the floor below – off with the sandals, off with the flowing skirt, off with the veil, and off with the top – all while gripping the pole with her legs. Then it was just her in white hot-shorts, gold coin belt, and a long blonde pony-tail. Next she hung upside-down and repositioned her legs - - so that when she let go again with her arms her upper body was facing the floor (rather than the pole or ceiling).

What happened next was the most impressive move I have ever witnessed… she scissor-kicked her legs and dropped the length of the pole from the ceiling… and caught herself WITH ONLY HER LEGS within a foot of hitting the floor.

A couple of shimmies and shakes and the performance was over. She immediately came over to us and said she was so happy to see women because it had been a night of nothing but creepy men. She noticed we all were married and asked us questions about why we were out, and just carried on a normal conversation while re-assembling her outfit. I told her the scissor move was the best move I had ever seen a stripper perform and gave her a tip… to which she said, “Oh no, honey. I work for my money.” She took the bill from my hand and proceeded to give me a lap dance.

Oh the awkward moments.

She gave me a hug and thanked us for coming in. The ladies had enough fun for the night and were happy to be returned to their husbands. My brother thanked me for returning his wife alive, and my husband practically drooled over the details of my night, but was VERY glad I was the sober one.

I've been tagged...

For my dear friends Rosie & Josh, I am responding to being tagged. FYI - - Josh has no friends, so my response to Rosie also counts as a response to Josh.

FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:
1) Traffic Department Manager
2) Retail Store Manager
3) Rodeo Events Manager
4) Disc Jockey

FOUR MOVIES YOU WOULD WATCH OVER & OVER:
1) Pirates of the Caribbean
2) Count of Monte Cristo
3) Princess Bride
4) Spirited Away


FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:
1) Myth Busters
2) South Park
3) Ghost Hunters
4) Beauty & the Geek

FOUR PLACES YOU HAVE BEEN ON VACATION:
1) Yellowstone Park
2) Kumamoto, JAPAN
3) San Diego, CA
4) Myrtle Beach, SC

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS:
1) Steak
2) Coconut Shrimp
3) Pepperoni, Pineapple, & Black Olive Thin-Crust Pizza
4) Home-made Ka-Bobs with Steak, Pineapple, Cherry Tomatoes, & Onions

FOUR PLACES YOU WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
1) Hawaii
2) Bermuda
3) Costa Rica
4) Montana

I'm not really sure who to tag out of all my visitors, so just post a comment if you are willing to participate, and I'll link you on my next blog!

Turban Man

Every day I have a little over 20 miles to drive to work, and then another 20+ miles to get back home. Most days, if I time it right, I can step out my front door at home and be walking into work in exactly 30 minutes. Recently I have had to deal at least once a week with a jerk in a little gold Audi who happens to wear a dark burgundy turban.

The first encounter with him was in mid-February... I left my house as usual to head to work, and I wasn't in a particular hurry since I was running a bit early. From my neighborhood, there is a street running West for about 1.5 miles which takes me to my main roadway for the majority of my trip. As I pulled into the turn lane to head south, I see a gold Audi in my rear-view cut somebody off and then nearly jump into the bed of my pickup. Some sick part of me waits to be rear-ended because my Dodge has a stinger (for towing) off the back that would surely puncture the radiator of 95% of the vehicles out there and render them useless. For me it would be a small triumph over idiot drivers if my vehicle were to do extra damage in a fender-bender. ANYWAYS, Turban Man looks irritated that the light is red, he shifts about his car trying to see around me (which wouldn't have been an issue if he hadn't tried to kiss my bumper), and when the light turns green he honks his horn, even though there are 4 cars including myself in front of him.

Traffic begins to move, and two of the drivers move to the center of the 3 lanes on the main road, the driver directly in front of me turns into the far right lane, and I turn into the leftmost lane and returned to daydreaming for my drive. But then I hear honking from right behind me, and it's the angry little bastard in the gold Audi. I glare at him through my rear-view mirror, and see he is waving my hands in the Get-The-Fuck-Out-Of-My-Way gesture. Now the speed limit through this stretch is 50 MPH, and I'm probably going about 57... and I'm passing the three cars that had been in front of me at the light. I wave at Turban Man in my mirror, and then see him flipping me off. I decided to slow down to block him in, and then as we approached the next big intersection the light turns yellow... and I gun it and go through, and he runs the red, then passes while flipping me off. I smiled, flipped him off in return and watched him speed away.

Over the last few weeks I've seen him multiple times while driving in our other car (a Hybrid) and simply let him fly around me and the rest of traffic without a care, in the same gold Audi with the same dark burgundy turban. In my city, the beginning of the month brings cops-a-plenty to the main roadways to assign tickets to meet their monthly cha-ching quotas early for the police department. I know how this works, I know where they like to get people, and I drive particulary carefully during these times. I think Turban Man is new to the area... because last week on March 2nd I saw him pulled over, standing at the back of his vehicle with his arms flailing apparently trying to argue with the officer. Bad idea - - because arguing can lead to an arrest, which can lead to a lifetime of anger, causing more tickets, forcing you into bankruptcy due to the excessively high ticket costs, eventually driving you to drink, then steal, then get locked up to be somebody's girlfriend in prison all because you didn't just take that initial ticket without arguing.

Mmmm, angry little Turban Man, you have so much to learn my little grasshopper. Now stop driving like a jerk and leave earlier so you don't have to rush so much, dude.

I Hate Mean People...

We have an evil neighbor... rotten to the very core of her cold, black heart. She is a miserable human being and reminds me on almost a daily basis that I HATE the fact the she even breathes the same air as me. She is just a bad person, and I'll let you know every little detail that has led me to this conclusion:

My husband and I bought our new home last July. It is a custom home in a pretty little neighborhood... I'd say 75% of our neighbors have kids under the age of 10. The incredible thing about the community is that we really are NEIGHBORS in the traditional sense. You need an egg for baking? Holler over the back fence and ask the neighbor. Beautiful weather for a BBQ? Call the neighbors and wheel everyone's grill to the park that's 1 block away. It's a strange, but also wonderful feeling to be a part of a community like ours. Everyone in the neighborhood for 6 blocks around is great, except the evil woman who happens to live directly next door to me.

We found out the couple next to us had been living in a hotel while they were waiting for their home to be completed. While in said hotel this couple had all their belongings stolen because they had parked a trailer in the hotel parking lot without a lock on the hitch (thus anyone could pull up, hitch up, and make off with free stuff). The day we began moving in was they day before their closing, and we saw them out front as they were preparing for their final inspection. I approached them and said, "I am so sorry to hear about your belongings. My husband and I have the week off, so please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you." The woman said, "Well, if the f-ing Police Department would get off their asses and do some goddamn investigating we could plan on using you two, but without our trailer it’s pointless to even talk about." I figured she was probably pretty miffed about having their stuff stolen and so I didn't take her hostility as anything besides irritation.

The following month, our entire block got together to plan our fences... at the time everyone's back yard was community dirt. We arranged several rate quotes, taped them to everyone's door, and we set a date for everyone to meet and discuss at the community park. The discussion began at the time noted, and 10 minutes into the meeting here comes my angry neighbor who says, "You might as well start over since I've missed whatever you've talked about since this thing started." Right then... the entire neighborhood agrees that one particular fence company is offering us the best deal, with a bulk discount, free gates, and they have a great reputation. Everyone, that is, besides my neighbor. She begins fuming about the cost of the fence, and how she felt everyone was against her because the entire block wanted metal fence posts, and she wanted wooden fence posts, and we were going to force her into a redwood fence when she wanted cedar, and we were all going to give her the "ugly" side of the fence because she showed up late to the meeting, blahblahblah, whine, and blah. Every person there was staring at her like she was out of her mind... we had arranged the fence setup so everyone would have 1/2 fence rails and 1/2 finished fence line on their property, so everyone would have some pretty & some ugly fence. The cost difference through this particular company for metal vs. wood was $0.50 per foot after discounts, and everyone offered to eat the cost of the shared fence line for metal posts and she only needed to pay the wood cost since she wanted wood, and the fence company offered to hide the metal posts for everyone with faux wood covers so it would look like a wood post. It took 3 weeks for her to agree to exactly the terms I just wrote above... But it gets better! Oh yes Batman, much better. She comes to me two days before the fence is to go in and wants to negotiate which side of the fence will be facing my house, the ugly or the pretty side. I really didn't care as long as a fence gets finished so our dogs could be outside (Greyhounds need to run)... and she tells me I should take the ugly side , and she'll split the cost on the metal fence posts in exchange. The day the fence guys show up she tells them about the fence, and adds that I had agreed to move up my gate to have more shared fence. The fence guys draw up new plans and come to my house to have me sign off on it. I was infuriated - - she volunteered me to spend an additional $400 on fence line I didn't want... THANK GOD it was my day off. I refused to sign, and told them to keep the direction of the fence to the original plan.

Come September, my oldest brother decided to come visit with his wife and their son. They stay for an extended weekend, and I took an extra couple days off so that after they left I could work on moving storage tubs from our garage into the basement. At the end of the weekend, my brother loaded up his family to leave, and the evil neighbors' son (who was 2 at the time) was standing by his mama's SUV waving "bye" to my little nephew. It was actually very cute. As my brother drove off, the neighbors' dogs began running around my front yard and the kid ran into my grass with them. I didn't think much about it so I went into the house and started moving storage tubs as planned. About 10 minutes later I came upstairs to get a drink, and noticed the neighbor's kid was still playing with his dogs in my yard. I figured I'd go say "Hello" and see how they were doing. I went out front and toward their home, but no one was outside... and their front door was open. Strange, so I head up their steps... and the dogs come tearing around the house and intercept me at the front door (growling and bearing their teeth). I shout inside a few times... no one answers. I go back to my yard and stand with the kid. I notice his diaper is completely full and hanging down to his knees. I freak out thinking something is terribly wrong. Everything is uncharacteristic of a parent - - their 2-year-old was outside alone, in a construction zone, with a full diaper. I had my husband to bring me the phone, and I called emergency dispatch. They tell me after 10 minutes of me explaining what's going on that they are sending over an ambulance, and they ask me to stay on the phone and with the kid. No problem. Another 5 minutes goes by, and then I hear from next door my neighbor shouting her son's name. She came outside, grabbed his hand and turned to go back to her house. I told the operator on the phone that there was no need to send an ambulance since the mom was there. I went inside without the neighbor saying a word to me and I figured that was that. Until my doorbell rang a 1/2 hour later... and a police officer was at my door. He asked if I was the person who ad called emergency dispatch, and I confirmed it was me. He tells me, "I wanted you to know that this probably isn't a situation of neglect, but more that the kid just figured out how to open the door." I hadn't thought about neglect, and I explained I was just worried someone had gotten hurt. Just then, evil neighbor came waddling down the street with her baby on her hip and the 2-year-old being drug behind her in his bare feet, "HOW DARE YOU CALL THE COPS ON ME! So much for being friendly neighbors - - I am going to get you for this! MARK MY WORDS!!!" The officer turns to her and says, "Ma'am, you need to calm down. Do not make any threats here... you are lucky to have neighbors like this couple to watch your son while you weren't paying attention to where he was." And she faced the cop, "HOW DARE YOU TELL ME I'M A BAD PARENT," then marched back to her house. The officer offered me an apology, and went straight back over to her house. I typed up a note explaining to her what had happened, and after the officer left I taped it to her door. About 9:00 that night she came to my house with a big speech about how she couldn't understand where I was coming from when I called emergency dispatch, and if it had been her she would have closed the curtains and pretended she didn't see a thing - - it was best for neighbors to stay out of each others' business. I told her that if her son had gotten run over by a construction truck because I had not stayed with him I would have had a guilty conscience forever, and if more people were genuinely concerned about each other there would be fewer cases of bodies rotting in their homes for weeks on end because no one checked to see if their neighbor was OK. She said the officer told her she was in the wrong, and that he had said she should have apologized for her behavior (but she didn't actually apologize). We haven't said much to each other since that day, but I did find out her son had gotten out of the house twice before our incident, and twice since.

At a recent community BBQ she showed up for a little while with her husband and kids, and loudly proclaimed to everyone that as soon as there was $50K in equity earned on their house they were out because it was such a rotten neighborhood. Again she received many blank stares, and as soon as she left everyone was asking, "How can you stand being neighbors with her?" "Patience is a virtue."

God-parents? Us?

Life has a way of slapping you upside the head. I have two older brothers - - both are married to amazing women. My 38-year-old brother (youngest brother) has 4 kids - two boys that are 6 and 17, and two girls that are 13 and 16. My 40-year-old brother (oldest brother) has a son that is 3.

Last night my cell phone started ringing, and I immediately recognized the number as my oldest brother. I answered, my brother took a deep breath, sighed, and then began crying (I have never seen him cry in my life). He told me his wife had been put in the hospital from unexpected complications during a common procedure, and said he didn't know who else to call. He was worried, and couldn't imagine being without her. He talked about their lives, their marriage, their son, how much they have in common, and said with this happening he realized they are getting older and life is unpredictable.

Then he said, "If something happened to us, both of us, I would love our son to stay with our side of the family. I know our youngest brother would take him, but he already has the 4 kids... Would you ever consider taking him?" It didn't even take me a second, "Of course! I love him, and he's an amazing kid... I would be honored!" To which my brother replied, "You two are so stable, and I know you don't have kids... we've just never even thought of it, and now with this happening I can't think of who else I'd rather see him with. If... When she gets out of the hospital we will change our Will. Thank you."

Over the course of the evening and this morning, my husband and I have discussed it... and we both agree we would be very happy to have a family, and to care for anyone's child if they needed us to. I just never thought either of my brothers would ask me to be a God-parent, mostly becuase they have always seen me as their "kid sister".

Life has a way of slapping you upside the head...